A post so soon?

Time Changes Everything. The Changes I've lived are both good and bad but sometimes i have to wonder what beats out what. It's a question of having and wanting, yet still never with a resolution. This was inspired a wee bit ago yet the ending...oh my endings are always so puzzling to me. Why do they always take so long?

Here's a poem written from deep down inside me,
Where my heart isn't exactly how it should be,
But alas there is nothing I can do,
These deep, inner thoughts I know will always continue:

I want to find the inspiration lost in me,
I want to smile just like before,
I want to remember the dreams forgotten,
Want the things that I adored.

I have life- didn't lose it,
I have a place to keep me fed,
I have a family- newly discovered,
Yet have other things I dread.

Not sure if it has a title. Either way it's all I have so far. Not sure if I'll continue adding. Sometimes I go back to my poems and add, or change them. Sometimes they need the change, but for now this is all I had to express.

Currently From Under the Cork Tree By Fall Out Boy see related

To be or not to be.

I'm still a jumble to myself. I've no idea how to smile and not care. It's still tempting to cut everything off and start anew, but I know that would be the biggest regret of my life. Jason cracks me up when we talk cause he knocks sense into me, knowing how irrational my thoughts can be. My first priority is honestly school and work right now. Things have changed and I need to independicize myself. Going to be 20 and GAH! It makes me feel nerve wrecked. I know it's not a huge number but...jeez. No more teens, just getting older, it's crazy. Plus I feel like I still act like such a child. BUT time doesn't stop. I think back and miss the nights that I used to stay up doing HW in my NY apartment kitchen, or in the bathroom talking all night with my friends. I need to realize- finally- that's over. I need to grow a backbone learn how to make solid decisions on my own. I know, sadly, that's going to take a long time. I'm too indicisive, I'm always asking for advice. One good thing is that I have some things to look forward to. This week is awesome mexican food, hopefully this weekend it's some parties and chilling with the cousins, and by the end of the year my Mom will possibly send me a computer. I love that! Plus my awesome friend Pringles MAY send me books for Christmas, and even if she doesn't, for me it's the thought that she WOULD that counts. The last thing that is the most rare to actualyl happen is my friend MG coming to visit me. That may not happen at all, but without hope we are nothing, right? It really sucks that things have to change but alas...

-FINIS

F-M-L double over

Everything has gotten so complicated I never in my life imagined something like this would happen.

How did I get here? How did I get to thinking about these things? Lately I just feel so lost. So cowardly. I feel like the biggest coward...

I'm going to dissappoint. I think I'm dissappointing myself but I'm blind to myself right now. I can't allow myself to enter certain thoughts because it only brings tears. My health got better but now I have something else. Once that gets better...I know what I WANT to do. I know what I've decided for myself but there is always that "but" on my lips. I haven't talked to my parents and I don't know what they're going to say but I think I'm angry. I'm deffinitely sad. FML. If I knew that everything was going to end like this I would've chosen to die in that stupid hospital. I wish I could just sleep and never wake up because my reality isn't exactly charming, welcoming. I know what I'm going to do, I know why I'm doing it and it doesn't make it any easier. I think about the future and I have little hope. I think about everything I'm going to miss and-stop. Those are thoughts I need to avoid.

Change. I've never experienced a greater one. My complaints about my life before are incredolous compared to what's going on now. A part of me is honestly scared. I'm scared of loss. I also feel very inarticulate lately.I don't even know if that's the word for it. I need my words. I need to be able to express myself. It's all I have. Shit happens, damn it.Why couldn't life just be simple? Why did I have to be born here? LOL.

Anyway it's been too long since I'd written here. Too long, too many things have happened...I mean look at me. Before I always said "My Life sucks" and now I say that AND Fuck My Life. Seriously, fuck it. Maybe I'm really not paying attention to the good things and I should, but I mean...my mind is so block right now. I think it's going to take a while to get better. How long is what worries me.

Right.

So my last entry was kind of vague. Eight months would mean a huge amount of things happening, though in my case I must admit-no. What has changed? I've become more acceptant though that could also be due to the fact that there is major hope that soon REAL SOON I will be back.&Party! I look forwrd to events-like party this weekend. I have a LOT less depressive moments. Maybe what? None. Seriously the only time I get depressed is when I think "What if everything fucks up and I have to stay here longer?" other than that I can just get very thoughtful and nostalgic. I've been to Six Flags-not the best of moments but it is a memory. Halloween here was awesome. I L-O-V-E-D it. Christmas? Ehh. New Yrs Eve? Even more ehh. New Yrs Day? Better. And Jan. something where I went to a Dinasour exhibit with my cousin? pretty damn good. My birthday? Kind of sad honestly. My birthday party? Pretty effin fun. Basketball game=my team winning. Oh yeah! So my Dad was right in one thing: After December the months fly. And so they kind of have. I mean we're almost in May!:shock: My best bud is right, in the aspect of how I've changed: well this has been an experience. A hellish one at first. A more accepted one now. I can't say I'd like to stay. I can't wait for the "go" of my Doctor, but I do hope to visit the family again. Maybe in 2 years when a cousin of mine has her sweet 15? Yeah yeah! I cant say my family is how I'd thought. OOH NO! They are fucked up, lol. Not at all how I remembered. Then again kids are naive right? Word, this is all I gotta say on that topic. Now to do another entry of things that really mess with my head, this is where the "wtf" part of me comes out. This is the part that sometimes even I don't get.

-Adeu (IDN French so if I got that wrong-ohwell. See if I care.)

Ramblings of an Unstable Mind

Our minds fuck with usMy mind fucks with me. Yep I said it. What do I mean b y that? Whenever I feel I'm about to go down a depressive road I go "Dont go there" to myself and I shake it off but well, dwelling has always been bad so then you start to think of happt memories right? 'Cause no matter what your mind always lingers in the past. So there you are, smiling at the good memories and down that road but then you realize the changes. Or at least I do. What happened? If we were so happy, so okay, so close, so attached, just SO...then what happened? It is no longer like that and that fucks up the memories. It makes me sad. Like the perfect song whenever shit like this pops up is Everything Changes by Staind. It's an anthem in my heart. Or to my heart, whatever. I want the simple times, the better days, the carefree moments, but instead I get to feeling like I'm always losing something. Dunno why my mind makes me feel that way when most of the time it's not true. Then again, in a away, I'm a selfish person& it sucks because that means I'll always want more than what I have and when I don't have it I'll have these moments. The good thing along all this crap is that I have a best friend who accepts me. Right now this entry may not make sense to her and to that what I have to say is: there are things hard to put in words without it coming out wrong. There is something I have to let go of that I don't know how to but I hope that someday I will. You know how I get and regardless of my crazy/irrational moments you trust me and remind me how much I mean to you. That alone means the world to me. When melancholy moments like these start to pop up I think about your, well our, friendship &ir helps me push this past away. Why? 'Cause it's been basically five years of up and downs, but more ups than anything, and though some moments make us sad because some people are no longer with us-we got each other. And most importantly, I got you.

You see this second part of the entry started all eeh and I think about this friend and BAM! My mind has stabilized:coolman:

-FiNiS

Today

Marks the eight month being here. WOW. That's incredibly. It's not a year but honestly? That's a long time. And what can I say about that?

A lot has changed. Not in the "needs to be written sense" because it's nothing majorly huge but yeah there are a lot of opinions and emotions that have changed in me while my stay here.

Change comes oh so often in my life.